Making an apology isn’t easy, but it’s important. It’s how we maintain our connection to those we love. But, as with anything worth doing, there is a right way (and a wrong way) to do it.
Two Problems
In my house, apologies usually sound like one child stage-whispering “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” while another wails loud enough to wake the dead. Then, when I enter the room, the offender bursts into tears: “I said I was sorry!”
This routine highlights the first problem of making a good apology: timing.
You cannot give an effective apology to someone who cannot hear it over the sound of the hurt they’re experiencing. From sibling battles all the way up to adults facing issues of race, religion, or political disagreement, the timing of your apology is key. If the other person is still in a state of emotional response, it is better to sit quietly and wait. Demanding that someone hear your apology before they are ready is immature and unkind. We have to be brave enough to wait until both parties can come equally to the table. Sometimes, we even have to wait to be invited. But if we do, we can be sure we will be heard.
Focus is the second problem. Most of us are good at apologies that make the issue the other person’s fault.
- I’m sorry you were offended.
- Sorry if what I said bothered you.
- I’m sorry your face smacked into my hand when you were running by.
When an apology effectively blames the other person, it isn’t a real apology at all.
The 4 Steps
A true apology has four steps.
- “I’m sorry”
- “I’m sorry for ….”
- “It was wrong because ….”
- “Please forgive me.”
Let’s break those down.
“I’m sorry.” State the obvious here. “I apologize” also works. Don’t hide, deflect or otherwise pretend to just be chatting. Say you’re sorry.
“…for …” Again, state the obvious. Say out loud whatever you did or said that caused the rift between you. Don’t blame or shift focus. Own what you did.
- “I’m sorry for talking over you.”
- “Sorry that I complained about my assignment.”
- “I’m sorry for what I did at dinner last night.”
“It was wrong because …” This part shows you recognize how you hurt the other person. Not just that you hurt them, but the actual how. Why was it wrong? What line did you cross?
- “I’m sorry for talking over you. It was disrespectful, and I made you look bad.”
- “Sorry that I complained about my assignment. My bad attitude made your job harder.”
- “I’m sorry for what I did at dinner last night. I was trying to be funny, but I know I hurt your feelings.”
“Please forgive me.” These are, surprisingly, the hardest words we ever have to say. Actually asking someone for forgiveness makes us feel vulnerable, so we want to skip this step. Don’t do it, though. This is the moment where the broken relationship gets restored. Of course, they might refuse. It’s possible they can’t or won’t forgive. But when we’ve given a proper apology, most people are willing. But you still need to ask them to do it. Not demand, not guilt them … simply ask. And then accept their answer either way. You are only responsible for your apology, not their response.
Teaching the 4-Step Apology to Kids
We can teach our kids these four steps surprisingly early. Obviously, they don’t have the vocabulary I used above. But they can express the ideas, in their own words, which will help them develop empathy, as well as the basic apology format.
What might this look like?
With the children face to face, coach the one who did the hurt through the words at his or her level. “Connor, what do you need to say to Skyler?” (I’m sorry) “What are you sorry for?” (hitting him) “Why was that wrong?” (he’s hurt/crying/sad) “Can you ask him to forgive you?” (Will you forgive me.) Then you can encourage smiling, shaking hands, going back to play. Make it quick, depending on the ages of the kids, but do all four steps every time.
The actual answers aren’t the important part (though they should be close to what actually happened), and it’s possible both children will be so upset about getting hurt or getting in trouble that you may have to calm everybody down before you can do this. But it’s worth it. The 4-Step Apology is a powerful tool our children are going to need someday.
Most importantly, we need to model it for them. Our relationships are no more protected than theirs are. We need to practice good apologies with our partners, our friends, and especially with our children. Seeing us humble ourselves this way, and seeing relationships be restored, is the most effective way to help our kids learn to do it, too.
Talk to me: Do you do all four steps of the apology? What part is hardest for you?
