In this “Social Media & the Real Me” series, I wasn’t going to start with comparison. Because everyone talks about how comparison and social media go hand in hand and keeps us unsatisfied and longing for more. And they do. But the real problem of comparison goes deeper. Much deeper.
Surface Comparisons
Most of us assume that the real problem of comparison on social media is that it keeps us focused on the externals, us versus them. Their hair, her kids, my messy house, and on and on.
A Culture Translator email from last summer put it this way: “Social media is an incessant act of comparison, constantly reminding our kids they don’t measure up, will never be enough, or never have enough.” And they’re right. Because it reminds us of the same thing.
And focusing entirely (or almost entirely) on externals IS a problem. For sure. Her hair isn’t better or worse than yours. Her IG photo of her newly organized toy system doesn’t have anything to do with your mess of a living room.
The issue here, of course, is the principle of comparing their best to my reality. And it makes us achy on the inside. Which is not fun or healthy. But there is a deeper problem with comparisons that causes a more dangerous problem in our hearts.
The Reality of Comparison
We compare. Whether online or IRL, comparison is inherent to our selfish, sinful hearts.
Keeping up with the Joneses is a temptation for every one of us. From clothes to houses to our kids’ accomplishments, we compare. Our hearts beat a constant awareness of them: What do they have that I don’t? How am I different (and therefore better or worse)?
And unfortunately, even our church interactions are filled with comparisons. We judge others on their attendance, willingness to serve, what someone wore, or how they behaved during church. And we judge them against on our own attendance, service or preferences. So we can be sure to look better.
Comparisons are part of the broken world we live in. But they are not the final word on our lives or value. And if we pay attention, they reveal a much deeper problem.
The Real Problem of Comparison
The real problem of comparison is that God never does it.
Even though we compare all the time, God does not. And when we really start looking at Scripture, we discover two important principles about comparison.
1. God Doesn’t Tell Us to Be Like Others
Never once in Scripture did God tell someone to be like someone else. Not once. The Bible never commands us to check ourselves against each other to determine our spiritual state. We are never told to make sure we do or don’t do things like other people.
When God came to Cain in Genesis 4, he didn’t tell him to be more like Abel. He said, “If you do what is right, won’t you be accepted?” (v. 7). The comparison wasn’t between Cain and Abel. It was between Cain’s way and the right way.
And in John 21, when Peter asked Jesus, “What about him [John]?” Jesus said (in effect), “Don’t worry about him. Worry about what I ask of you. That’s all you’re responsible for.”
God does not compare his people. Ever.
2. God Made Us to Be Ourselves
God does not compare us because he has a specific plan and purpose in mind for each of us. He has specifically gifted us with the talents, experiences, and histories that will enable us to fulfill that purpose. God has never and will never tell us to be more like someone else because he didn’t make us to be like anyone else.
Nearly twenty years passed between the time God sent Samuel to anoint David to be king and the day that Saul died and David actually became king. And God told Samuel that he chose David because he was a “man after God’s own heart.” But in all that time, while Saul was still king, God never once told King Saul to be more like David.
God did not want Saul to be David. He wanted Saul to be the king God had created Saul to be. Saul could have been a mighty leader and successful king of God’s people. But his failure to become that king is not because he wasn’t like David. It was because he refused to submit to and pursue God. So he never became the man, or king, he was meant to be.
The Freedom of Being Yourself
God did not make us to be someone else. And there is such freedom and relief when we realize this priceless truth.
That woman who is so good at hospitality—you do not have to be her. That pastor who preaches the Scripture so powerfully, being like him is not your goal. Someone with thousands of people on their email list, God’s not worried you aren’t as good as they are.
You aren’t supposed to copy them. You are supposed to be you. John was supposed to be John. David was supposed to be David. Martha was never supposed to be Mary. She was always and only supposed to be Martha. Mary was only supposed to be Mary. And Jesus loved them both as they were.
Just like he loves us.
Healthy Comparison
God does want us to make progress. And assessing progress does require comparing—but only with ourselves.
We can look backward at where we’ve been, assess where we are now, and look forward to where we want to be. Doing that kind of comparing enables us to see God’s active work in our lives as he changes us and matures us. And it helps us look forward to the future work God plans to do in us.
That kind of evaluating is always a good idea, spiritually and in other areas of life and family. But that is really the only healthy kind of comparison there is.
And the truth is, nothing in social media helps us do that kind of positive comparison.
Unlearning Comparison
I’m not telling you to quit social media. I doubt most of us can. Too much of our world is tied up there.
But there is value, I think, in taking regular breaks. One day a week, or one week every quarter, where you purposely log off.
Even if such a break isn’t feasible, we could all stand to simply spend less time on social media. Setting a timer or choosing to check social media only at set times in the day can keep us away from comparison and all its harms.
Also, we can seriously consider whether we need to be on ALL the sites. I’m getting emails right now about how Tik Tok is the new place to be, even for adults, and how I need to get in there or I’ll get left behind.
First of all, that statement is absolutely full of the language of comparison. Did you notice it? And second, I really don’t need to be on Tik Tok. I don’t. So perhaps we can manage the real problem of comparison simply by sticking to the sites that really work for us (or are truly necessary).
There are ways we can limit the influence of comparison in our lives. We can’t avoid it. It’s hard-wired into our sinful hearts.
But comparison is not God’s way. And the more we let social media fill our lives, the more likely we’ll be to follow its comparison-trap path instead of God’s path to freedom.
*Sections of this post are excerpts from my upcoming ebook about Martha & Mary of Bethany! Can’t wait for you to read it.
